My progression of emotions throughout this breakup so far.
Day one: sad, tired, unable to talk to other people about it, just wadecd to cry, and eventually numb because I distanced myself from people and just tried not to feel.

Day two: woke up and for a moment i was happy before i realized what happened and then sadness. For most the day. Crying was common at times of severe loneliness typically while driving. Missed him, talked to him, felt like I should get over it and be friendly. Was friendly, he thought all was okay. hah, fooled him.
Day three: started to get a little better, friend called me, took me out, but then I started to remember things, find things all over my house that give me flashbacks, etc.

Day four: Getting pissed off because he decided it was what he wanted, then still managed to sleep with me one last time before ending it. Wait, really pissed off.

Day five: confused, without a purpose, lost. I just don’t know what to do with myself…..

I want to be happy. But I don’t want him to be…but that’s just a normal feeling. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do to keep myself busy.

It just hurts, but at the same time I feel nothing. Numb, but in pain. God I need to be at school to distract myself.

Sorry I’ve been gone, lots of studying and wasting time, you know how it is.

WARNING: contains emotional complaining and reasoning like I used to do on my old livejournal blog. It will probably make no sense, it’s just how my head is working through how I’m feeling right now. Turn back now. You’ve been warned.

But I think I finally understand the term “hopeless romantic.” And it’s actually much more hopeless and slightly more morbidly romantic than I think most people use it for.

Originally I thought it just meant you can’t help but be in love, you just love to be in love. But really, that’s just a romantic.

I think a hopeless romantic is someone who would rather love and lose than ever love at all. Cliche as it is, it makes a lot of sense.

They would rather love someone so much and know they loved them back that much, and then lose them to say, death, than to live a life of a bunch of half-loves.

Moulin Rouge helped me to figure this one out.

And I’m pretty sure that’s my problem. I put everything into every relationship, I never just half-ass it. If I didn’t try as hard and didn’t expect as much back, would I be happier?

Not to say I’m not happy. I’m actually much much happier than I’ve ever been. I still have my insane moments where I just lose it and all my insecurities come flooding out in a rush of jibberish, but they happen a lot less often than they used to. I used to have them ever few days, back when I was dating douchebag (blake).

Now it’s every few weeks, and only when I’m away from John. He takes care of me a lot better, but I feel bad because I still require so much effort and attention.

That’s why I try so hard to be the best girlfriend ever. I feel like if there are enough good things about me to cancel out my flaws, the person I’m with will put up with me. Too bad I feel like it’s my flaws that stick out, not all the good things.

It could be months in between my little freak outs, but when the next one happens, it feels like the last one was only days earlier.

And I hate it when people think I don’t know that I’m being irrational. I know very well that I can’t explain how I’m feeling and that what I’m feeling makes no sense and that I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I KNOW THAT! Trust me, it drives me nuts too.

I know the problem is with me, I just need someone to help me deal with it, because if I didn’t, I’d lay in my room and sulk.

During my little freak outs, I don’t eat, I don’t move, I don’t talk to many people. I just lay in bed and think. I try to use music to pull me out of it, but then I just end up listening to sad music.

Oh my flaws are many. The ones I’m aware of?

- I’m overly competitive to the point that I can lose friends over it
- I tend to like to be the victim so people will pay attention to me
- I am WAY too emotional, I have cried during commercials
- I need things, but I don’t always know what I need, I just know I need something
- I hold grudges like WOAH
- I think I talk about myself too much, I’m really self-centered
- In relationships, I want some kind of commitment or plan to feel secure, and I want constant reassurance, which means lots of attention

I really really hope my good qualities outweigh my flaws.

Why is it that people spend so much time and focus so intently on and only notice flaws?

ack, sorry, what a waste of a post.

I’ll probably have a new reader now. Below are the events that led to me giving my boyfriend the link to my blog.

My boyfriend’s name is John. We’ve been dating around 14th months now, that’s over a year and a substantial amount of time. Because I chose to go away to college, far far away, we’re currently in a long distance relationship. It has been working. Winter break was a lot of fun, but towards the end, things became strained.

We were doing the same thing a lot, which would leave to lots of things getting boring.

Leaving was hard, but who wouldn’t expect that? Then John was out of the country, so I wasn’t able to talk to him for over a week. It was difficult because we hadn’t left on a good note and then I was left to stew.

I had fun back at school, but I missed him tons. He came back, things felt awkward. We talked, but it wasn’t the same.

Then the argument came. Views were expressed. But really, they were just deeper problems being expressed in ineffective ways.

After that night, there wasn’t much talking. I was withdrawn. I didn’t want to push it. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep it up or just end it, but every time I thought about ending it, I just couldn’t.

I lost sleep. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t work. It was awful.

Later on that week, John came home from a night of light drinking and left me a message. I was still up, we talked. Things were more calm, were explained, and problems were figured out.

We realized we were too stuck in our ways. Things weren’t interesting anymore. We had stopped trying to make things fun. We had taken each other for granted.

And he mentioned that he knew I had a blog, and that it has always irritated him that there were things I didn’t tell him. I felt that was the time to offer him the link. I’m glad

He’s a great guy. I love him tons. And well, I’m happy now…well, happier.

So I’m sitting in my dorm room, on my bed, in the dark since my roommate is asleep. It’s 2:26am. I just got back from partying. I’m sober now, since I had to walk a few people back. There is a reason my friends call me “Sensible.”

But as much as I should be going to sleep since I have to be conscious at 2pm tomorrow for group project, I’m really stuck.

I think I may actually be depressed, or maybe it’s just normal to wish your boyfriend would call all day, then when he does, you aren’t happy at all and proceed to cry intensely while you dry your hair. I had to call my mom and talk to her, I felt so miserable. And then just cried on the phone to her too.

Most people would say I’m just stressed about finals. Nope, even though they are the week after next, I’m not worried at all.

I’m not sure why I’m so upset and depressed. All week I’ve felt distant from my boyfriend, maybe that’s it? I’ve hardly felt like I even have a boyfriend these past few days. I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth still being with him.

It’s so good when we’re together, and it’s good when we are apart if we talk. But we haven’t talked and I feel like such an afterthought to him sometimes.

The biggest problem with that? It’s exactly how my last boyfriend used to treat me, and I can’t bear to be treated like that again.

I wish my boyfriend would text me, or call me, or even talk online with me about something other than pointless youtube videos.

Is it wrong to just want to be reassured every now and then? It’s not like this is a new thing. I’m needy, I know it, he knows it. It’s pretty well known.

Maybe because it’s been a year he is just settled in and secure. I’d be okay if he told me that, I’d feel better. Mostly because he would have told me something.

It’s amazing how when you don’t talk to someone for about 2-3 days, you miss them like hell, and start to worry.

I suppose I should head to bed, stop complaining, and hope he talks to me tomorrow.

ps. even when I sounded miserable on the phone, does he ask if something is wrong? No, he has to make sure he gets to his party and sees everyone. That’s exactly what Blake would have done, and that scares me.

Two weeks till finals and this has been the easiest week ever. I’m sitting here eating lunch having just gotten out of class early because we couldn’t get sound for the movie we were going to watch. Tragic, yes? You’d think I’d be working hard, studying, having mountains of work to do before the end of the semester, but I’m actually finding that I’m bored. I don’t have any work to do other than finish a novel by Sunday. I suppose I should be using this time to do that, but uh…oh well.

Of the 10 classes I was supposed to have this week, I’m only going to have 6. It’s…just…so…wonderful….

Not being constantly stressed out makes college so much more fun and easier to deal with. Of course, it couldn’t be perfect.

I woke up this morning with this awful feeling that my relationship was falling apart. I know it’s not, we just haven’t spoken at lot in the past 4 days. I’ve probably only noticed it because I’ve had so much free time!

It may also be that I’m a bit jealous sometimes. How is it that I always find the guys who have all friends that are girls?

Yesterday he was reading the book I got him for fun for his birthday, I <3 Female Orgasm, but he wasn't reading it alone. He was reading it with his friend from downstairs, a girl. He would pop in every now and then via Instant Messenger to tell me how much they were enjoying the book.

Yeah, that sounds good. That’s exactly what I want to hear. hah.

Of course, I’m passive aggressive and while this irks me a little, I’m really not worried about it. It’s been a year, and he still hasn’t learned not to put his foot in his mouth. I used to be really good about just letting things like that go because I knew he just didn’t realize how I would take it, but I find now that each time he does that, it irks me just a little.

I trust him, but I can’t help but get irritated every now and then. Of course, I feel bad saying anything because it’s just bringing up conflict that I have created myself. And I’m too afraid to unsettle things so far apart, and so close to break.

I’m so needy it’s sad.

But, on the bright side, I’m kicking ass in my classes. Finals week is going to be a breeze! woohoo!

Right now I’m wondering about what I’m going to do this weekend. I’d love to go dancing, you don’t need to drink to do that…although, it helps. But I’m sure I can manage to dance like a hooooeeee (as Fergie would say) if I try real hard.

(11:49:45 PM) Boyfriend: i will protect you
(11:49:49 PM) Boyfriend: from zombies and rape
(11:49:55 PM) Me: and zombie rapists
(11:50:04 PM) Boyfriend: especially those

Just in case, It’s good to know things like this.

It should always be know that it is a bad idea, if you are a man, to talk about your sexual exploits. For one thing, it’s not very classy. And two, no girl appreciates the funny looks.

Now, to be honest, it never really bothered me until a few weekends ago, when my boyfriend decided that a few people needed to know about one of our more adventurous escapades.

We made some crazy monkey love in our work place. Well, his former work place, and my current one. Now, I don’t mind if certain people know. For one thing, my boss knows, and a few of my coworkers know. But it’s okay, because my boss totally owned up to having done it too. I’m pretty sure that’s why he took my key though.
Well, my boyfriend, a few weeks ago, went a mutual friend’s going away party. I was captive in this small, desolate, no mall, ohio town so I could not grace them with my presence.
He got drunk. Big surprise there. Love him, but a loose lipped drunk.
And well, turns out he told two of his old friends from work, people I had never met before, what he and I had done.

Now, this wouldn’t bother me, except that those two people have come back. Not to work, but to take classes. (I work in a Taekowndo school.) Well, when I get home, I’m going to have to meet these people.
What will be their first impression of me? No, not another bad ass black belt  that trained at the same school as them. Nooo.
I’m going to be the girl their little buddy fucked on the mats. can’t you just taste the bitterness?
Now I’m a little reluctant to go home.

Is it okay that he did that? Should I be as bothered as I am?

I guess I feel like it’s weird that all these people know about me, before even meeting me, is my sex life.

My best friend was just starting to get along with her ex, who she wants to remain close friends with. Being the complete child he is, he “deletes” her from facebook for no apparent reason. Interesting.

Apparently, He heard a rumor she had slept with one of his best friends. I tell him, “noo! This is utterly ridiculous!”

So I tell her why he is apparently angry. She calls me sobbing.

“I didn’t want to tell you… because he was your ex!”

I laughed. Honestly? She slept with her ex’s BEST friend, who is also my ex boy friend. Now, granted, I greatly dislike this particular ex boyfriend. I feel like he lucked out having gotten to sleep with her!

But honestly, the stuff that happens these days, could be a movie.

Sometime I wish they’d all go back to fucking highschool. *sigh*

Last night, I surprised my boyfriend at his dorm. It was fantastic.

His roommate can’t take a hint, so we headed out to my car.

The fun part about fooling around in a car is that the windows get really fogged up, so when people walk by and cars drive by, they can’t seen in. Of course, they can definitely see the car rocking back and forth

Shakin’ the Civic. w00t.

So last night, around 10pm, my ex boyfriend gives me a call. This was very weird. We haven’t spoken on the phone since he called me to apologize for screaming at me, calling me a slut, and saying he never wanted to talk to me again two weeks earlier. That was about three months ago. We text occasionally, but really he is too busy to really hold a conversation with me and I don’t care enough to put the effort into being friends anymore.

But last night, I get a phone call, and it’s him, and it was surreal. We dated for about a year and a half or so, maybe a little less, and it was a pretty intense relationship. Really strong feelings. I have a really hard time getting over all of it, but I did, and I’m good now. But each time he comes back, it’s weird.

I guess when you learn to live without something for so long, when it comes back, it screws you up regardless of how you actually feel about it. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night.

But the conversation was interesting. I asked him what all was new, and he preceded to tell me “I’m single. That’s about it.” Which, I knew already since he had texted me earlier that month informing me of his breaking up with his girlfriend, who I lovingly refer to as HB (Hoe Beast). It’s true, I hate her with a passion. Bitch stabbed me in the back. Whatever, it’s all good.  I didn’t really care why they broke up, but I was curious. Apparently “the feelings we no longer there.” Hmm, this rang a bell, pretty sure that’s that DH (Dunder Head aka Justin, my other ex) told me. Of course, he cheated on me, and that’s why he broke up with me. meh.

Then my ex, we’ll call him DB, asks me how things are with “What’s his name” who is my new boyfriend, who I have been dating 5 months tomorrow! eeee! =D Sorry, exceptionally girly moment there.

It was awkward because for some odd reason, I don’t feel very comfortable talking about my new boyfriend with my old boyfriend. He was persistent though, wanted to know what all had changed, if anything was new. When I said I didn’t understand, or that nothing was really new, he replied with the sarcastic “yeeeaaaaah,” like he didn’t believe me. I’m assuming he wanted to know what all we had done sexually, if we were getting serious, etc. He wanted to know if I was happy. I politely replied that I didn’t want to talk about that and that we are quite happy. Then I played things down a bit to end all the questioning.

I thought it would be a bad idea to mention that I’m on BC now, that I plan on sticking with this new relationship as long as possible, and that I am in love. Oh, and that he is dayum good. teehee

I’d just rather lie, and avoid these subjects. I don’t need him thinking any less of me. Not that I care so much, since  he hates my party habits, but I don’t like when people think less of me, not him imparticular.

Other than that, the conversation was normal and friendly. He always throws those weird comments that make me wonder about if he is over me or not. Srsly. I’m over him. I have a few unresolved personal issues with it, but really, I am over it.

The surreal part was the fact that he feels like a thing of the past. It was like talking to a dead person on the phone. I still remembered his voice, and that was bizarre. I guess it’s one of those things you never forget.

-sigh- alright, sorry, that uber-personal and not interesting at all. Just something I needed to talk about so I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Thought it might be best that I don’t discuss it with my boyfriend.

Hmm, I feel like consoling myself with a big cheeseburger from Micky D’s. Mmmm tasty.