My progression of emotions throughout this breakup so far.
Day one: sad, tired, unable to talk to other people about it, just wadecd to cry, and eventually numb because I distanced myself from people and just tried not to feel.

Day two: woke up and for a moment i was happy before i realized what happened and then sadness. For most the day. Crying was common at times of severe loneliness typically while driving. Missed him, talked to him, felt like I should get over it and be friendly. Was friendly, he thought all was okay. hah, fooled him.
Day three: started to get a little better, friend called me, took me out, but then I started to remember things, find things all over my house that give me flashbacks, etc.

Day four: Getting pissed off because he decided it was what he wanted, then still managed to sleep with me one last time before ending it. Wait, really pissed off.

Day five: confused, without a purpose, lost. I just don’t know what to do with myself…..

I want to be happy. But I don’t want him to be…but that’s just a normal feeling. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what to do to keep myself busy.

It just hurts, but at the same time I feel nothing. Numb, but in pain. God I need to be at school to distract myself.

It’s funny who I end up running back to for comfort when I’m feeling sad. I of course talked to all my friends, and they helped, but oddly enough I found the most contentment when talking to my Ex boyfriend Blake. From like, two years ago haha

Maybe it was the comment about the fact that I’m not cursed and that who knows, he might end up in ohio eventually. Not that I want him back, not something on my mind at all, but it feels pretty good to know that he might still have a thing for me.

Then of course he invites me to come and stay with him while his parents are away. And damn is it tempting. He lives on a beauuutiful lake and has a boat, and his house is incredible. Though I’m not sure it would be worth the 5 hour flight - oy.

At least the thought was there.
On the bright side, it does show that I can stay friends with ex boyfriends. There is still hope!

so as I mentioned before, I was in the middle of a break up with John. I was miserable, crying constantly, numb, etc. etc. all the typical breakup stuff.

I’m actually thinking about some kind of guide book to the female breakup. There seem to be a long of things that I feel like all women go through and things all women feel. I’ve been through three different kinds of break ups now, I have a decent understanding. Not fully, but give me a few years.

Anyway, back to my point. So tonight after my friend took me out to dinner, my first meal in two days, I sat online and stared at my aim. John was on and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing. I would check his facebook constantly, my facebook constantly, you know, just for any sympathy.

I just never knew if it was okay to talk to him or create some space.

We broke up because me being far away at school caused a significant strain that neither one of us could handle anymore, and also because well, the initial spark to our relationship was gone, we had really just become best friends. It was a different kind of love.

But the sex was still awesome.

Then I noticed a window pop up. It was John, he just wanted to say hi.

I stared a few minutes, not knowing what to do. Eventually I simply replied  “hi”.

We talked about things, it was stiff conversation. I was still hurt, he was worried about me, it was a hard time to talk. Eventually I started sharing how I felt, and I got upset. It went on like this for an hour.

Eventually though, something snapped. I just realized that I have half a summer left, it wasn’t worth being absolutely miserable like I was, and it was not worth losing my best friend over.

I can accept that things will be different. It’s hard, but I can accept it. I don’t want to, but I guess I’ll have to.

I love him, I really do. Maybe not in the right way right now. But things felt so right. I guess I can’t help but wonder if it just needs a few years, maybe the spark just took a vacation. Who knows, I don’t even know how that stuff works really.

For now though, I have my best friend back.

and as I write this post, I’m sharing my very tiny twin bed with both my dog and my cat since my mom is out of town. And they have taken over. I have very little space. lol I hope they don’t kick/bite/ or scratch!

So today my wireless just magically came back. I’m not sure how long it will last, so I’ll try to make up for my absence while I can!

But sadly that is the only happy thing that has happened to me today.

This morning my boy friend of a year and a half and I broke up. Details later maybe. It’s still really painful.

Unfortunately when I’m sad I don’t eat, but crying gave me a nasty headache, so I took some advil. Well apparently its bad to take them on an empty stomach. I wasn’t sure if I was sick with sadness, hungry, or really about to get sick.

Otherwise I have nothing to report.

Now I want lots of hours at work, but they wont schedule me! But now, Evil friendly’s will only schedule me 3 days a week. Most frustrating.

ummmm….yes, otherwise its been a boring summer.

Been sober for two months now though! haha, that will change when I get back to school. I can’t wait for that now. I might actually have some fascinating stories then. As for now, sorry, I’m just hella boring.

but hopefully I’m back!! here’s hoping my wireless doesn’t die again

I have returned! After a rough finals week, and even rougher move out day, and a much needed week of re-coop, I am back. To start things off, I’ll give you the rundown.

Final grades - A, A-, A-, A-, B+, B

Not bad, Should have been one more A, but i only got an 82 on the exam in the class I had an 89.8 in and ended up with an 89.1 final grade. I was NOT pleased.

As for move out day….Well, that morning I woke up and had no idea how I got into bed. Yes, I got absolutely shit faced, went to a bar and remember nothing more. I was with two friends, but they left early because one of them had to be carried home. I was left there…black out drunk and alone….GAH! Apparently a random fellow walked me home, thank goodness, then my friend met me as soon as I got in the dorm and took me upstairs. She tells me I was acting insane. Again, Blacked out. I remember nothing.

I was up at 7am puking my guts out and couldn’t sleep. It was horrible. Though, I was just glad I woke up alone. Fucking vodka… But yeah, so I puked until probably 5pm. My other friend was in my room with me, the one who had to be carried home, and we shared a trashcan. The worst part of all of this was my father was there to pick me up and help me move out of the dorms that day. So he got to watch me puke all day long. He would take things out to the car and come back only to find me laying on the floor miserable. Not my greatest moment, and he hasn’t let me forget it.

I’ve been sober since, and have NO desire to drink for a very long time.

Well after a 9 hour drive home, I got to go shopping, get a haircut, get pretty nails, etc. Do all those fun girly things I never got to do at school. I also saw Iron Man — great movie, I highly recommend it.

I got to cuddle with my favorite! That made me happy. He’s at the beach now, I miss him already! and it’s only for a few days. Guess I got spoiled.

In other news–>

I’m getting glasses, well, sort of. I got my eyes checked out, just a usual checkup, and the doc said I have great eyes, beautiful blue and powerful! But apparently they work too hard when focusing up close which results in me zoning out while I read because my eyes get tired. So heck, insurance pays for it, so we got some for me! I’m excited because I love reading and anything that will make it easier and faster is perfect. I’ll get a picture up when I get them.

Also, my employment status. I have always worked at my TKD school where I got a black belt and all. It’s just always been how things work. But with the economy down the drain like it is, my boss doesn’t have enough spots avaliable for the returning college students! So I had to like….get a real job.

This has been unfortunate because I am really late in applying for a summer job. Luckily my school got out kinda early so I had a little jump start. I put apps in at a few restaurants and a salon, but I don’t have any serving experience, so most the really nice places would only hire me as hostess and for only a few shifts a week — not working for me.

I applied at Damons, and the guy said I had a great personality! Yay! But yeah, only hostess and very few shifts. I understood, he was really nice

But I turned an application in to Friendly’s, a little diner/ice cream place and I guess they were desperate for help because they pretty much hired me on the spot. I go for my ‘orientation’ on Tuesday. I hope that means they are pretty much hiring me. I don’t know, this is the only place that would hire me with no experience.

So now I’m going to be a server, eek! A real job! With customers who don’t respect you and taxes… I’m really nervous. I went online and printed out their menu so I could start studying it. My mom laughed at me. I think she knows what I’m in for. I don’t know how much I’ll be making yet, I hope I find out soon. It’s kinda important.

So I have a feeling I’m going to be having fun stories about shitty people to put here. what fun, what fun!

Hope everyone’s summer is starting out warm and sunny!

To continue to dish on my awkward family, I am including a follow up segment about my father.

Our relationship is always very stressed when we are together because we are so alike. We have “the gene” which refers to his side of the family where everyone is stubborn, mean, hates life, and a huge pessimist. Well, that’s what we say at least. It’s a curse. We are all also destined to lose our first loves. So far, it’s proven all true.

But the thing about my dad is that he really is an incredible person. Despite how grumpy he always seems to be when he gets home from work or how much he yells when he doesn’t even mean to, he is the most amazing person I’ve ever met.

When he was 19, he moved from the east coast to Colorado on a whim. He decided to later to go to college and paid his own way through college and grad school. He managed to graduate 3rd in his class. He used to joke that everyone was so much younger than him that to go out on weekends, he would have to grab a beer with his professors. They were the only people that were old enough to drink with him.

He applied for a job with the government, and when they never called him back he called them and asked for a reply. The guy on the phone freaked out and immediately gave him the job. He’s been worked there ever since.

From day one he and my mom have been saving for my brother and my college. There was never going to be a choice in the matter, we were going.

My dad hates his job and can’t wait to retire. All he wants to do is take pictures. He’s also an amazing photographer.

But he has been putting off retiring because I picked a school that is extremely expensive. 40k a year. But he wanted me to have the best. He pays for everything because he doesn’t want me to have to work while in school, he wants me to focus on my studies.

And now, he is spending his own retirment money on my brother’s private high school tuition. 10k a year.

So for education, my dad is spending 50k a year. Yeah, it’s that important to my family. But he has been planning for this, and going to a job he hates every day for almost 30 years so he can do this for us.

Not to mention how hard he has pushed us. Every day he asks for grade updates and making us do homework. He pushed me to tears thousands of times during my grade school years, but he gave me a work ethic because of it. Not to mention, I’m too afraid of him to get bad grades now haha

But that’s why he is awesome. Now let me go into why he can be hella awkward.

First off, like I mentioned before, he doesn’t want me or my brother to be surprised by anything. So he was the one that gave me my first lesson about drinking.

We were watching the famed college movie “Animal House” on tv and my dad used this as an opportunity to teach me. He grabbed one of the “fuffy” drinks my mom likes to drink and poured me a small cup.

“Drink it,” he said. I was surprised, but I did. He poured another cup. Then, he went over to the cupboard and pulled out a bottle I didn’t recognize. I didn’t even realize that we had a liquor cabinet. He showed me the bottle. “This is everclear.” He poured a bit into the cup. “This just increased the amount of alcohol in that drink.” he told me how much, but it was a long time ago, I don’t remember. I just remember drinking the drink, tasting no difference, but being really surprised how much alcohol was in there.

He then described to me “the college party”. The one thing I remember him telling me was: “Rule #1: You never have catching up to do.”

I don’t remember the rest of what happened that night, but I felt so close to my dad, glad that he taught me something I was probably never going to learn from someone else. He also gave me to solid advice: “If you’re going to drink, drink. If you’re going to do drugs, do drugs. Just don’t do both.”
My father also gives me the best dating advice. He gives me insight into things that my mom can’t and makes me feel better about the things I do. I complain to my mom, but I get advice from my dad.

Of course, he can be incredibly awkward too.

We were on vacation once, and we were at the Olive Garden. I wanted to go home because I was sick of being away from John. My dad made the comment “You just want to get home because you need to get serviced.” My mouth fell open and my eyes got wide. I couldn’t believe he said that. Granted, it was totally true. But STILL!

And on this same vacation, we hung out in bars a lot playing pool. To distract us, my dad would throw in some pelvic thrusts. We always missed those shots.

The man is incredible, the man is hilarious. He is a great dad. I could talk for hours about him. But I’m sure everyone’s bored of hearing about it now.

<3 love my family

Sorry I’ve been gone, lots of studying and wasting time, you know how it is.

WARNING: contains emotional complaining and reasoning like I used to do on my old livejournal blog. It will probably make no sense, it’s just how my head is working through how I’m feeling right now. Turn back now. You’ve been warned.

But I think I finally understand the term “hopeless romantic.” And it’s actually much more hopeless and slightly more morbidly romantic than I think most people use it for.

Originally I thought it just meant you can’t help but be in love, you just love to be in love. But really, that’s just a romantic.

I think a hopeless romantic is someone who would rather love and lose than ever love at all. Cliche as it is, it makes a lot of sense.

They would rather love someone so much and know they loved them back that much, and then lose them to say, death, than to live a life of a bunch of half-loves.

Moulin Rouge helped me to figure this one out.

And I’m pretty sure that’s my problem. I put everything into every relationship, I never just half-ass it. If I didn’t try as hard and didn’t expect as much back, would I be happier?

Not to say I’m not happy. I’m actually much much happier than I’ve ever been. I still have my insane moments where I just lose it and all my insecurities come flooding out in a rush of jibberish, but they happen a lot less often than they used to. I used to have them ever few days, back when I was dating douchebag (blake).

Now it’s every few weeks, and only when I’m away from John. He takes care of me a lot better, but I feel bad because I still require so much effort and attention.

That’s why I try so hard to be the best girlfriend ever. I feel like if there are enough good things about me to cancel out my flaws, the person I’m with will put up with me. Too bad I feel like it’s my flaws that stick out, not all the good things.

It could be months in between my little freak outs, but when the next one happens, it feels like the last one was only days earlier.

And I hate it when people think I don’t know that I’m being irrational. I know very well that I can’t explain how I’m feeling and that what I’m feeling makes no sense and that I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I KNOW THAT! Trust me, it drives me nuts too.

I know the problem is with me, I just need someone to help me deal with it, because if I didn’t, I’d lay in my room and sulk.

During my little freak outs, I don’t eat, I don’t move, I don’t talk to many people. I just lay in bed and think. I try to use music to pull me out of it, but then I just end up listening to sad music.

Oh my flaws are many. The ones I’m aware of?

- I’m overly competitive to the point that I can lose friends over it
- I tend to like to be the victim so people will pay attention to me
- I am WAY too emotional, I have cried during commercials
- I need things, but I don’t always know what I need, I just know I need something
- I hold grudges like WOAH
- I think I talk about myself too much, I’m really self-centered
- In relationships, I want some kind of commitment or plan to feel secure, and I want constant reassurance, which means lots of attention

I really really hope my good qualities outweigh my flaws.

Why is it that people spend so much time and focus so intently on and only notice flaws?

ack, sorry, what a waste of a post.

So Sunday morning I woke up 2 hours before I had to get on a plane, looked in the mirror, and both my eyes were practically glued shut with gunk of some kind and when I got them to open, they were blood shot red.

I woke up with a duel case of Pink eye.

This was on top of the cold that I had developed once again which consisted of nasal congestion and hacking up green stuff.

My mom was angry that I couldn’t have developed pink eye the night before, when I could have gone to the doctor. No, I had to do it at 8am Easter morning.  Since it’s really irritating, my mom rummaged through our old prescriptions and found some eye drops that had expired in 03. I was forced to use these to get through the day. (It’s 08 for goodness sake! That’s 5 years expired!)
So I got on the plane, flew to Ohio, and eventually got back to school. It was nice to be back, except for one thing. The fridge.

Now let me just say that I don’t keep a lot of things in the fridge my roommate and I share in our room. Mostly because its located right next to her dirty clothes hamper and I just find that disgusting. But occasionally I like to put a few orange juices in there for a rainy day. Well, apparently my roommate spilled some milk, and none of us realized it.

So when we had to defrost and unplug out fridge before spring break, it was left to grow in an enclosed, moist, and warm environment for a week.

Needless to say, when I opened it Sunday afternoon, it was like a wave of toxic fumes bellowing out of tiny box. It was RANCID. I quickly closed it, aired out the room, and waited for the roommate to get back so she could experience it herself.

When she did, her entire family was present. They then forced us to clean it. It was harder than cleaning up puke from St. Patrick’s day.

I wish I had gotten a picture because it could probably have made an awesome science project.  Alas now, after me doing a lot of hard scrubbing, its clean again.

Today I went to the market and stocked up on yogurt, orange juice, and hummus. Yes, hummus, it’s good. Don’t knock it till you try it.

Monday however, didn’t end as happily. After going to class and actually staying awake, I headed over to the health center. After two hours of medical enjoyment, getting blood drawn and waiting on prescriptions, I walked out with three different meds (eye drops for my eyes, an antibiotic, and pseudoephed) and a diagnosis of a random bacterial infection. They also tested me for mono (negative), anemia (negative), and hypothyroidism, which I wont get the results back for a few days because they had to send it out.

Hypothyroidism is a possibly explanation for why I’m always so damn tired. I doubt I have it, but it’s nice to cover all the bases, especially when insurance pays for it!

Now I have to put eye drops in 4 times a day, take 1 pill three times a day and pseudoephed occasionally. That’s on top of the BC and SSRI’s. Yes, count that up, I’m on 5 different medications right now. AWESOME!

haha At least I can laugh about it. As long as I get healthy, I’m so tired of being sick! And sick of being tired!

Hopefully it will be a smooth last 7 weeks of school!

Leaving home just doesn’t seem to get any easier. All I can think about is the ordeal I have to go through tomorrow morning at the airport. Check in, say goodbye to parent(s), go through security, sit and wait, get on plane, sit and wait, take off, attempt to ignore talkative person beside me, read, land, baggage claim, then sit and wait three hours for the school shuttle to pick me up.

Something about that just makes me want to bawl because honestly, that’s just tear-worthy.

It’s not so much the going back to school thing, because I love being at school. I love my friends and it’s hella fun there. But I HATE leaving my parents and my boyfriend and I REALLY HATE traveling. The airport is the damn worst part. It’s like ample time to reflect on the fact that I won’t see my family and boyfriend for a month and a half while trying not to cry in front of strangers.

One time I was bawling while sitting and waiting to board the plane, and I was obviously making a scene because some old guy came up to me and offered me a tissue. I felt exceptionally pathetic but couldn’t stop crying.

I’m just too damn emotional.

I’m going to miss getting hugs, and my mom bringing me soup when I’m sick (because yes, I am once again sick.) I’m going to miss cuddling and getting a kiss on the cheek. I’m going to miss a lot of things.

And sure, I always get: but it’s only a month and a half! I don’t care about your month and a half, I MISS MY FAMILY!

….even if my dad calls me a butt sex whore in not so many words….

But as for my spring break, nothing exciting. It was a nice, relaxing week at home. Hung out with the family, saw some friends. It was some excellent and fun times.

Really nothing exciting happened, which is how I wanted it to be.

Now all I want to do is give everyone in my family a big hug and make them not let me go back to school….or at least not have to fly back. ICK!

I have a very interesting relationship with my family. My dad’s philosophy is that we (his kids) shouldn’t be surprised or ignorant to things we will no doubt be exposed to in life. For example, my younger brother and I were tasting his beers and choosing our favorites since we were about 13. My parents have never really been shy about swearing around us, but we were never allowed to use the “adult language.” And only when I got older did I start to get the sex jokes my dad had been making my entire life.

My relationship between my parents, specifically my mom and I, can be summed up in roughly one instance that happened while I was in high school.

One morning I woke up feeling awful. I went downstairs to tell my mom I was feeling too sick to go to school then went back upstairs to get back in bed, but never made it. I had to make a stop off to the bathroom to begin throwing my guts up. I went back downstairs to tell my mom I just thrown up. She looked at me like I was insane because I had come down to tell her this and was not still over the toilet. Luckily there was another bathroom on that floor, so I ran to that one and got sick again.

My mom called the school to let them know I wasn’t going to be there that day. This was when my dad comes downstairs since he had taken off work that day. Hears me spewing my guts. He walks over and asks, “So, hungover or pregnant?” I just look at him, then go back to getting sick.

I think I fell asleep in the bathroom for a while. My parents wouldn’t let me leave to go back up to my room so I just laid on the tile. Every so often I would wake up to get sick again, but for the most part I slept.

When I finally woke up and wasn’t tired anymore, and I was getting sick less and less often, my mom came and sat just outside the bathroom with me to keep me company since they still wouldn’t let me out. Yes, my parents essentially locked me in the bathroom.

We talked for five hours about just about everything.

It was during this conversation that I admitted to my mom that I was no longer a virgin, that I had been drinking, and numerous other awkward things most mothers and daughters don’t really talk about.

It started out with a talk about boys. We bashed my ex boyfriends, and talked about how wonderful John is (who was my boyfriend then, just as he is now.) He was in college and I was still in high school, so my mom felt she should ask if we had been having sex. We had only been dating a month by then, and NO, we hadn’t had sex yet. I might be easy, but not that easy.

But I admitted that I had slept with Blake. (Ex boyfriend, Long distance, Jerkface, you get the gist) She was surprised, she hadn’t suspected it. But then she reacted in a way I was not expecting.

She then asks me: “So how was it?”

“Terrible,” I reply, “I just laid there and wondered if he would ever finish.”

She laughed. “Don’t worry, every woman has thought that to herself at least once.”

I love my mother. She asked me about where, and when, and of course if we used protection. We then had a conversation about different kinds of protection. She said she had heard that now there were all kinds of condoms like flavored, glow in the dark, etc.

“Back in my day,” she said, “there was only ribbed and unribbed!”

She told me about when she lost her virginity and about the guy and how old she was. I was 17, she was 19. And neither one of us waited till marriage, so I felt better about that.

She gave me a few tips on how to actually enjoy sex, you know, whenever John and I actually did do it.

And when John got brought back up again, the topic changed to drinking. While I may have corrupted John sexually, he brought me to the drinking side, and my mom knew it.

She told me to be careful, he was in college, etc. etc. etc. But she didn’t really seem concerned. She asked me if I had a favorite drink yet. I didn’t, all I had been drinking was shitty natty light, which I have now come to appreciate as “College in a can.”

But there we sat, for five hours just discussing everything. I told her about my friends and the drugs they did, about the drama at school, and about the rumors about all the slutty girls. Who knew moms enjoyed high school gossip too?

I still look back on that day with the best memories, despite the puking up bile and pasta Alfredo.

That defines my relationship with my mom to a ‘T’. My dad is just as interesting. I’ll save that for another post.