Sorry I’ve been gone, lots of studying and wasting time, you know how it is.
WARNING: contains emotional complaining and reasoning like I used to do on my old livejournal blog. It will probably make no sense, it’s just how my head is working through how I’m feeling right now. Turn back now. You’ve been warned.
But I think I finally understand the term “hopeless romantic.” And it’s actually much more hopeless and slightly more morbidly romantic than I think most people use it for.
Originally I thought it just meant you can’t help but be in love, you just love to be in love. But really, that’s just a romantic.
I think a hopeless romantic is someone who would rather love and lose than ever love at all. Cliche as it is, it makes a lot of sense.
They would rather love someone so much and know they loved them back that much, and then lose them to say, death, than to live a life of a bunch of half-loves.
Moulin Rouge helped me to figure this one out.
And I’m pretty sure that’s my problem. I put everything into every relationship, I never just half-ass it. If I didn’t try as hard and didn’t expect as much back, would I be happier?
Not to say I’m not happy. I’m actually much much happier than I’ve ever been. I still have my insane moments where I just lose it and all my insecurities come flooding out in a rush of jibberish, but they happen a lot less often than they used to. I used to have them ever few days, back when I was dating douchebag (blake).
Now it’s every few weeks, and only when I’m away from John. He takes care of me a lot better, but I feel bad because I still require so much effort and attention.
That’s why I try so hard to be the best girlfriend ever. I feel like if there are enough good things about me to cancel out my flaws, the person I’m with will put up with me. Too bad I feel like it’s my flaws that stick out, not all the good things.
It could be months in between my little freak outs, but when the next one happens, it feels like the last one was only days earlier.
And I hate it when people think I don’t know that I’m being irrational. I know very well that I can’t explain how I’m feeling and that what I’m feeling makes no sense and that I have no idea what’s going on in my head. I KNOW THAT! Trust me, it drives me nuts too.
I know the problem is with me, I just need someone to help me deal with it, because if I didn’t, I’d lay in my room and sulk.
During my little freak outs, I don’t eat, I don’t move, I don’t talk to many people. I just lay in bed and think. I try to use music to pull me out of it, but then I just end up listening to sad music.
Oh my flaws are many. The ones I’m aware of?
- I’m overly competitive to the point that I can lose friends over it
- I tend to like to be the victim so people will pay attention to me
- I am WAY too emotional, I have cried during commercials
- I need things, but I don’t always know what I need, I just know I need something
- I hold grudges like WOAH
- I think I talk about myself too much, I’m really self-centered
- In relationships, I want some kind of commitment or plan to feel secure, and I want constant reassurance, which means lots of attention
I really really hope my good qualities outweigh my flaws.
Why is it that people spend so much time and focus so intently on and only notice flaws?
ack, sorry, what a waste of a post.
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