My Awkward Family - My Mom

I have a very interesting relationship with my family. My dad’s philosophy is that we (his kids) shouldn’t be surprised or ignorant to things we will no doubt be exposed to in life. For example, my younger brother and I were tasting his beers and choosing our favorites since we were about 13. My parents have never really been shy about swearing around us, but we were never allowed to use the “adult language.” And only when I got older did I start to get the sex jokes my dad had been making my entire life.

My relationship between my parents, specifically my mom and I, can be summed up in roughly one instance that happened while I was in high school.

One morning I woke up feeling awful. I went downstairs to tell my mom I was feeling too sick to go to school then went back upstairs to get back in bed, but never made it. I had to make a stop off to the bathroom to begin throwing my guts up. I went back downstairs to tell my mom I just thrown up. She looked at me like I was insane because I had come down to tell her this and was not still over the toilet. Luckily there was another bathroom on that floor, so I ran to that one and got sick again.

My mom called the school to let them know I wasn’t going to be there that day. This was when my dad comes downstairs since he had taken off work that day. Hears me spewing my guts. He walks over and asks, “So, hungover or pregnant?” I just look at him, then go back to getting sick.

I think I fell asleep in the bathroom for a while. My parents wouldn’t let me leave to go back up to my room so I just laid on the tile. Every so often I would wake up to get sick again, but for the most part I slept.

When I finally woke up and wasn’t tired anymore, and I was getting sick less and less often, my mom came and sat just outside the bathroom with me to keep me company since they still wouldn’t let me out. Yes, my parents essentially locked me in the bathroom.

We talked for five hours about just about everything.

It was during this conversation that I admitted to my mom that I was no longer a virgin, that I had been drinking, and numerous other awkward things most mothers and daughters don’t really talk about.

It started out with a talk about boys. We bashed my ex boyfriends, and talked about how wonderful John is (who was my boyfriend then, just as he is now.) He was in college and I was still in high school, so my mom felt she should ask if we had been having sex. We had only been dating a month by then, and NO, we hadn’t had sex yet. I might be easy, but not that easy.

But I admitted that I had slept with Blake. (Ex boyfriend, Long distance, Jerkface, you get the gist) She was surprised, she hadn’t suspected it. But then she reacted in a way I was not expecting.

She then asks me: “So how was it?”

“Terrible,” I reply, “I just laid there and wondered if he would ever finish.”

She laughed. “Don’t worry, every woman has thought that to herself at least once.”

I love my mother. She asked me about where, and when, and of course if we used protection. We then had a conversation about different kinds of protection. She said she had heard that now there were all kinds of condoms like flavored, glow in the dark, etc.

“Back in my day,” she said, “there was only ribbed and unribbed!”

She told me about when she lost her virginity and about the guy and how old she was. I was 17, she was 19. And neither one of us waited till marriage, so I felt better about that.

She gave me a few tips on how to actually enjoy sex, you know, whenever John and I actually did do it.

And when John got brought back up again, the topic changed to drinking. While I may have corrupted John sexually, he brought me to the drinking side, and my mom knew it.

She told me to be careful, he was in college, etc. etc. etc. But she didn’t really seem concerned. She asked me if I had a favorite drink yet. I didn’t, all I had been drinking was shitty natty light, which I have now come to appreciate as “College in a can.”

But there we sat, for five hours just discussing everything. I told her about my friends and the drugs they did, about the drama at school, and about the rumors about all the slutty girls. Who knew moms enjoyed high school gossip too?

I still look back on that day with the best memories, despite the puking up bile and pasta Alfredo.

That defines my relationship with my mom to a ‘T’. My dad is just as interesting. I’ll save that for another post.

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